moments

final sem woes.

there is something about me that I still haven't come to terms with despite that optimistic conversation I had with Syafiq Rahman a year ago with regards to moving on.

I want to absolve myself from over-thinking when it comes to relationships. and I want to absolve myself from the legacies of the ex as well. but I cannot. and I want to blame you but i cannot. why am I this man who tries so hard to move at a pace I feel is most appropriate but alas, haven't been able to compliment it with my actions?

some of my readers will never ever get this out of me when they talk to me but they would b surprised at how much I actually hate a certain aspect of myself. and no, it's not my height but it's about hurting people. ever since i've hurt you, I've been on this rampage of slander that I haven't been able to grasp control of. My act of breaking up with you have brought me more pain and inadvertently have caused grievous hurt to other people as well. You will probably be glad to hear that.

Some say it's just my lack of commitment but I say it's my lack of judgement and execution. I fail at friendzoning people and at the same
time, I try my best to friend-zone/bro-zone them.

I am close to condemning myself but pride and self-worth is keeping me away from that. I am in a struggle
to meet my educational, family, religious and personal obligations that sometimes during nights like these, it's driving me nuts. :(

reset button

when you came into my life, it was such déjà vu. I just felt that you were a reminder of everything that I did almost 4 years ago. everything you did, everything you said.. down to how you looked at me and what you told me was a flashback.

I thought to myself: was this a manifestation of God's work in reminding me of what I did? karma, retribution, whatever you call it. for what it's worth, you are significant. I asked myself whether you were simply a reminder.. or were you more than that? were you an opportunity for me to do something good this time?

were you an opportunity for me
to redeem myself by being able to do something good instead? I know I haven't been the most exemplary figure when it came to BGRs in recent years and I know I've been single for the longest time.

right now, when I look at you, all I want to do.. is to do no harm. all I want to do is to see you happy. whether it would involve me in the picture, I don't think circumstances and capabilities allow for that to happen. not now, not in the next couple of years or so.

we've been through quite a substantial amount of experiences and shared plenty of stories together. all that and more to come this semester I guess. but one thing's for sure.. no one is able to fill the shoes of voldermott as of now. those are large shoes to fill. and they are great barriers to overcome for you personally.

all I want right now (and I would assume you want this as well) is for you to let go of the past and move on. and to do just that, you need to absolve yourself from blame when it comes to the outcome of your past relationship. There is simply no other way but that.

No time or effort from anyone can be spared enough to transport you to that hallowed grounds and the gargantuan task of taking that step will come from you.

You are, but still a divine mystery to me.

constant

there are so many things that shake and shift in life. no matter what we say or do, change is the only constant in life.

so embrace it, amri.

just a number

not gna let age wear this down.

forever.

had another run out today on the pitc at tampines safra. nice one la guys.

this might sound a little weird but I have to say, I love the feeling of sweat sweeping down my face after an intensive few minutes of darting runs.. besides the cooling sensation on my face, i think it brings me closer to the idea of the raw outdoors. that is one element I savour.

sports have continuously been my most succinct medium for expression and I believe anyone who observes me out there would see me in my truest form.

unadulterated.

I wish the friendship didn't descend into this state of affairs. 

I know there were things which i did and things which I didn't do. And yes, you felt afflicted and slighted by that. But you have to understand that I never ever had any ill intent, whatsoever for you. If I could receive plenty of shit from that institution of a mouth and still accept him as a friend, I never held anything against you cos you never did anything to me.

What I had against you was the fact that you were a victim of your emotions. You fucked up in some ways which I couldn't do anything about. Your perceptions on friendships changed, your perceptions on religion changed, your perceptions on our common group of friends changed. I tried to strike a balance between you and the rest of the world that was apparently 'against you' but I failed. 

I grew inclined towards a set of friends whom I felt a closer affinity to because of the mutual interests and frequency in which we were at. I admit, I got sick of you. You got close to a person I had the greatest admiration for in terms of having the gift of the gab. Somehow you guys clicked off really well. And I was happy that you found someone whom you could relate to, for I lost it a little with you. Indeed, I admit. 

But why all this now? Why the vilifying? Why the losing sleep over something I did which was our own business? I was most apologetic upon realization and the only thing I regret was not expressing it in front of you on that night. 

Why all the talk about "We know you better.." and "Live a honest life, Amri". Telling me to stop living a lie and telling me to be upfront about my dirty laundry in front of people. Why are you telling me this when my parents don't even dictate how I live my life? Besides the central issue, how have I cheated on you? Not asking you out for social gatherings? Don't you realize that a social gathering involves the consensus of the many as to who comes for the gathering? 

Stop vilifying me and understand my position when it comes to friendships. Stop trying to dictate what I should reveal or not. Stop trying to paint me as the fake motherfucker who tries his best to be popular but cheats on everyone's feelings.

Let me tell you that I don't try to be popular. I live my life, trying to make others happy and protectively confine my problems to myself, if any. In the bigger frame of things, my problems are small. I am the guy who feels more for the plight of Palestinians more than my own problems in the relationship department. Despite all these people you claim to be fooled and warming up to me with relative ease, they don't depend on me for shit and they don't owe me a living. I owe a living to God, to my family and to myself. 

You bemoan the injustice you're facing vis-a-vis people around not accepting you for who you are. But look at it simplistically. If the world transmits negative vibes about you, it's just you. And in no way am I responsible for that.

I loved you as a friend, and I will still regard you as a friend as long as you see me and the rest of your friends as equals. You have to understand and accept that not everyone lives and carries out friendships the way you do.

Perish the perceptions you have about me and learn that friendships to me were always left to the invisible hand of personal dynamics. If they leave, they leave. iIf I cannot see you eye to eye anymore, I will talk less to you no matter how. 

Stop thinking that it is impossible to lead a happy and fulfilling life in my own unique way, because let me tell you this.... it is.

I think i've learnt not to pass judgement.

For the believer, everything is between you and God.

For the non-believer, society.


One versus the many.

homage

an entry dedicated to the guys.

simple and straightforward fri night out.

updates, merriment, lan gaming, food and drinks.

simplicity is few and far between these days.

it's tough being in between. looks like some things have become irreversible. 

i am honest to God when I say this: I like being around all my friends. The only problem is that friends have a kind of, priority list, when it comes to me. In a way, it's a priority list that serves my agenda and convenience. and that sucks.

that sucks because to be honest, i'm willing to be there for the person.. but I just don't have the will and energy to meet them when they are not in any need of anything. so i push aside any social conventions of meeting up with as many people as possible and simply meet with the same people that i've been comfortable with. I have to change this. 

no one can ever feel that you're genuine if you don't make an effort to talk/meet them. it's a simple, simple fact. Even if you've shown in previous experiences that you can be there for them when they're in need of company. 

i've always been a fiercely independent person. to the point that i can sometimes shun and push aside feelings of my closest friends and still live my life the way it is with a smile. as a result, i wasn't close to most people. I was just the person who was nice to everyone on the surface. All i wanted was to make ppl feel comfortable around me, and when i'm around. i think i achieved alot of that. 

you can call it fake, but i say it's truly, just me. I like the companionship without the confrontations and complexities. i nvr tried enough tough love. i nvr pushed friendships to their limit. i preferred the patron-client relationship because it wouldn't complicate things between me and that other person; instead it was something that had a mutual help dynamic. 

i was always in the safety of the dug-outs. but lately, years of friendship engender heightened levels of friendships. they aren't so fleeting nemore. somehow they last. and somehow we all start to think ALOT about friendships. to the point of deconstructing them.

all i want to leave people with is the feeling of being comfortable and happy around me. since sadness is a fait accompli, i would want to be reliable enough if they needed a shoulder. that's all.

but i'm no superman.

our mistakes in life will continue to be mistakes if we don't learn from it.

it's when it becomes a lesson.

been super distracted from school lately. 

i'm still trying to put a finger to it. 

although i've not been blogging with much gusto in recent years, i still value this space. you've given me a sense of relief like no other. 

i've resisted from changing the platform and the name. i think it's the sense of continuity that i wish to have. being able to see how much i've changed is only possible when i surf through the old entries. 

just a little update: i've finally got my hands involved in photography work. i have to thank Tembusu college for engaging me consistently for events. It's coming in handy for my portfolio in the long run. Also, I had a paid assignment a couple weeks ago that completely gave me a taste of how it'd be like to be a freelancer. got a neat sum at the end too :) 

I've been trying to get myself back on track lately. Been trying to make things work for me. Not allowing my whims and fancy get the better of me. I can't continue doing this. My feelings are not meant to be played around with. So are other people's. 

thread carefully. 

so damn sleepy. 1500 word essay due in 24hours.

had one insightful conversation with ahmad khan yesterday. plenty of things to ruminate and deliberate upon. some people find themselves alot quicker than others. more often than not, the journey to our aspirations take a long and arduous form.

looking at some of our friends already moving into the next chapter of their lives, we see some who regress back into where they were previously. nonetheless, it's still a journey. they were never meant to be straightforward.

breakups, religious revivals, ideological struggles and personal losses of loved ones and things that matter.

some say to be one's self is the ultimate goal. but what's there to look forward to if we're confused about what we want to be in the first place? few even know what they want to be in the aspect of career, for instance. how much do we actually control our destinies? are principals enough to live a fulfilling life? or is trying to win as many friends as possible the key? do we compromise it when it deems necessary? when will the constant balancing act reach an equilibrium?

maybe it's simply a ride we take and allow some meta-physical phenomenon rule us.



meaning of life: do we discover it? or do we create it?

Back from supper at Haq-Insaf.

I love how laid back the place is. A perfect place to hear someone speak to you.



The world's such a conflicting arena of ideas. We should sit down and talk our differences away. The world would be a much wonderful place to live in.

Having had a friendship scarred over disagreements deriving from the political landscape (very lame i know), I learnt that differences can be either accommodated or engulfed by the divisiveness of bigotry. You choose the outcome.

Yes, i'm a constructivist. 

I thought I could handle it after years of wear and tear.. But no.

I miss you for leaving.

Nothing in this world that God didn't allow us to overcome besides termination of life.

most likely to be my final year in university. I will cherish the friends made, and the thought of friends which could have been made. 

stepped down from my exco position with the lifeguards today. definitely gave me a perspective of the working world and the trials and tribulations working as a minority. I wouldn't say that I have anything against any of them. I just have a thing against the "minority effect" that happens to me all the time when im the sole representative. 

it's has a been a blessing for me, having achieved what i set out to achieve a year ago - the lifesaving certificate. i never knew i was capable of committing myself physically for a full two semesters in the swimming pool. made friends with beautiful people and made myself really at ease with one of my lifelong passions that is being in the swimming pool. never regretted it at all. highlight of my second year in nus...

Blogging's back!

We are not a threat.

It's been quite a while since I wrote about something political and may I take this opportunity to express my views about the age old issue of racism in Singapore; more specifically the issue of the marginalization of Malays in the army.

As an acknowledgement of sorts, I would like to say that this issue is something that has been debated for an absurdly lengthy period of time. In addition, since it's an open secret to the general public, Singaporeans have come to perceive and digest this phenomenon almost seamlessly with the aid of usual rhetoric the government has constantly fed us.

Being a full-blooded Malay (with Javanese roots) minority, I am proud to say that I am one without many qualms when it comes to race or religion in this country. I have to be straight up about this because I am a product of the system and without any shortcuts, such as having ties with the right people to propel my social mobility; I have managed to reach the level where I am right now. Objectively, secularism and meritocracy stands to benefit the minority races, given prudent guidance in realizing these principles. Despite this, there are equal shortcomings when it comes to meritocracy just as affirmative action - contrary to popular belief - does contain its benefits. I would love to go on about the actual practice of these two principles in our land and across the causeway, but this is not the objective of my two cents worth.

What compelled me to write this is simply a little discussion I had earlier today in class concerning Singapore's foreign policy. The discussion broached the topic of Total Defense in Singapore.

As the animated discussion went into the topic of race representation of minorities and majority in the army, my tutor (God bless him) conducted a little snap poll involving all able-bodied Singaporean men in the class. In the poll, my tutor went around and asked each and every relevant specimen regarding his National Service (NS) background; which unit he spent his time in and how many Malays were in it.

The results of the little poll were not surprising. Be it coincidental or serendipitous as some might call, it reinforced perfectly the notion that Malays were systematically marginalized in the army. A few of the respondents were from strategic units such as the armour or artillery units. One was from the naval diving unit. Turns out NONE of them have ever experienced their time in the unit shoulder to shoulder with a Malay being. A typical example of their answer would be: “Armour. No Malays.”

At this point of time, I was chuckling to myself. Throughout most of the time, I was having a slight grin on my face. To be honest, that chuckle was simply because of the serendipitous outcome of the poll results vis-à-vis the point the tutor was postulating. If that already wasn’t enough, I was the only person in the room who served my time in NS with the Singapore Civil Defense Force as a firefighter. Basically, I was the factor that drilled the point home.

At first, there was uproar of politically correct laughter filling the room, which was expected. It died down naturally once the tutor brought the class back to discussion in retrospect of the little poll he conducted. There was some awkward silence starting to creep in. Comments then came about from different people in the classroom regarding the issue of whether there is indeed still relevance in the use of the race card when it came to the modus operandi of military defense in Singapore. Some of the respondents mentioned that they don’t think the Malays were of any threat now while there were some who still felt that certain tough calls still had to be made in the name of strategy i.e. keep certain minority races away from the frontlines in view of our neighbors. The mantra still seems to emanate resoundingly: We still have to be careful of our neighbors.

After going around, the tutor finally looked at me. I knew he wasn’t about to leave the topic without having me have some say on the matter, and I understood and fully appreciated that. I began:

“I first want to say that I fully understand LKY’s stand on his decision to categorically remove top Malay officers in the army and replace them with that of the majority race. I think it makes perfect political sense? I think it’s one of the most responsible and sensible move to make when you’re faced with a situation like that in 1965. However, right now we have to look at whether maintaining such a policy is productive or counterproductive. That’s what Singapore is all about right?

Firstly, if you look at the 2nd and especially the 3rd generation of Singaporean Malays, we have fundamental differences that have quickly arose through years of conditioning and upbringing. If you look at Malays in Singapore versus that of those even a kilometer away in Johor Bahru; we speak differently, socialize with friends and family differently, dress differently and increasingly we consume our food and drinks differently. Our work ethic, our worldviews and even our entertainment are different. It’s no similar to that of how the Chinese Singaporeans perceive mainland Chinese. From my personal experience, a lot of Chinese Singaporeans view them as absolutely different and sometimes even possess a certain sense of aversion towards the foreigners. Furthermore, Singaporeans keenly feel this sense of detachment from the latter in general, including the Malays! So is that not (albeit informal grassroots) solidarity among races? At least it isn’t some form of nation building that is created and being force-fed to us through curriculum.

If you want to talk about loyalty, let it be known that despite a good sum of Singaporean Malays preferring Malaysia as a destination for a holiday (my Dad says there are so many places in M’sia that we haven’t been to yet), it does not mean that we are loyal to Kuala Lumpur. I pray to God no one actually thinks that way because it is simply balderdash of a generalization to make. There is no causal linkage at all.

The notion that the Malays here have extensive blood ties with people in Malaysia is an overtly exaggerated one. My good friend, Hisham Omar provided some statistics to me through Twitter that there are almost 7 million Chinese people making up the population in Malaysia. Doesn’t that mean that the Chinese also do have blood ties in Malaysia? Personally for me, if not for my relatives migrating to Malaysia in the 80’s after personally being discriminated against in the education system then, I wouldn’t have any relatives residing across the causeway. If you were to ask a majority of Malays here about having relatives in Malaysia, you will be hard pressed to find them who have any, let alone one who has a jing bang of relatives there. Anyways, only two cabinet ministers of the 1st generation of leaders were born in Singapore. The rest were born elsewhere. For example, the late Dr Goh Keng Swee and S. Rajaratnam were from Malacca and Jaffna, Sri Lanka respectively.

In my opinion, it is a matter of choice for the government. Do they still want to maintain this kind of realist perspective about defense? Maybe? because of the fact that it is unIslamic for a Muslim to kill another Muslim and on the metaphorical battlefield, we might not be able to bring ourselves to kill another Muslim brother.

Do we Singaporeans, with all our economic clout and international support, really think that Malaysia or Indonesia would dare to attack us over a trivial matter despite the fact that the status quo of stability is a major interest of the economies of these two giants? Do we really think that Malaysia and Indonesia has any incentive to even attack us? Are we even worth attacking? Even if a doomsday scenario happens and Indonesia for example, decides to attack; do our leaders think that no external actor would ever come with pre-emptive support despite us holding a substantial amount of the world’s reserves? What about the safety net of ASEAN and the numerous defense agreements we possess with our neighbors and so on?

It is also not a norm anymore for countries to wage full-scale wars. It is a mindset unfit to compliment that of a high-tech, 3rd generation army well-espoused by our leaders. The real issues threatening states are in fact that of civil unrest and non-conventional threats such as epidemics, natural disasters and terrorism. Therefore, is a rise in military budget even justified??

So therefore, with all the reasons above debunking the issue of loyalty and perceived threat of war between us and the Malay world (Malaysia and Indonesia per se), is the mentality regarding Malays in the armed forces counter-productive for Singapore? Will this archaic realist mindset bode well for nation building? Malays in Singapore are not a minority race to be ignored. We might be diluted, but, we will always be present. It is a choice for Singaporean leaders of the next generation whether or not to tap this often-neglected resource for its army.

Please, stop thinking that Malays are a liability or a threat. We are Singaporeans and for the extreme majority of us, we want is to live our lives equally and peacefully.

actually enjoyed my time at the mosaic music festival at the esplanade on saturday evening. one of the most overdose relaxing nights (if there is even such a term) i had in quite awhile. good tunes, good breeze, good company. they played fuckin reggae!

haha i'm not the avid gig person around so i get pretty excited when i get to see live music once in a while. although i don't know the song being played, it still gets me going.

If there is one question that you would ask PM Lee, what would it be?

Leaders must possess certain qualities that suit the times. For example, the leaders of the first generation were decisive, strong and hardy in ensuring the survival of the nascent state. Leaders in the 2nd and 3rd generation required a more technocratic nuance to build upon the foundation already set up. What do you think the future generation of leaders must possess?

i think people get irritated by other people. and then these 'other people' continue to be ignorant because the previous person doesn't tell. person who got irritated acts in a way that influences the thought of a third party to go against the 'irritant'. the person who irritates continue to live a life of (ignorant) bliss. the perceived tension continues to develop into something chronic. from a little stain it develops into a scar.

it blows over.

irritated, irritant and affected parties congregate at the table.

finding: irritated perceived wrongly. irritant had no intention. ramifications made.


and so we start back again.

/storyofourlives. never stop trying.

sometimes, talking to the ex-gf(s) make me feel like i'm walking on a tightrope.

a real tight one.

i think it's time to once again heave a huge breath of fresh air into this blog and pay some form of homage to it again. yes, i took another hiatus from blogging for reasons purely unacceptable - laziness. lol.

one way to put it, or, as our dear ministers would aptly describe as 'putting into perspective', i have been in bouts of no-shows throughout the lifespan of this blog. i also notice a rather illustrious way in which i blog. i used to be this notoriously giggly and chirpy blogger with all the tacky html mods to my sentences and ridiculously uplifting lines to describe my thoughts. hahahha.

my inclination towards current affairs especially during jc led me to start writing scathing remarks about singapore politics, the ruling incumbent and also the world order. i remembered writing em with a kind of conviction tt was so damn strong. haha semangat much. and i did voice some views which, in retrospect, bordered on slander. it was a phase of teen angst tt could have been translated to some other kinds of vice like booze and cigarettes but somehow it manifested into words and tirades against governments and the West. haha.. the things tt go thru my head sometimes.

after that period i went through more hiatuses and then i realized i became slightly disenchanted with politics. i felt that I had ranted enough. and ranting won't move or shake the world. the status quo will stay. one could say, i had said all i had to say. as a result, my thoughts experienced a transition from such worldly issues and touched upon more intrinsic ones. i started blogging about my personal matters. NS came and my entries became less academic and more self-oriented? I started to talk about my personal issues, albeit constantly shrouded with ambiguity and carefully crafted words. it was a phase where i felt i neglected my own lil self and the blog actually served as an outlet for so-called, repressed feelings. hence, the entries became much shorter and included lil excerpts to describe events. it was my twitter at that time. I lost the drive to come up with lengthy and structured entries.


well, then how can i describe the blog now? it's tough for me to elucidate it now but i guess time and more entries will shape it up to be what it's about to turn out to be. does tt make sense? aha i don't knw. u be the judge.

so i'm leaving for Laos on Tuesday. i'm having mixed emotions about it bcos currently, i'm really, really enjoying myself this post-exam period + the opportunity costs that come from being absent for 20 days. lotsa weekends earning cash from refereeing's gna be foregone. lotsa catchup time with the mates to be on hold. but yea i tell myself, money is dispensable. it can be made any day, any time. so i'm gna try make the most of it with a bunch of friends in unchartered territory =)



the feelings are creeping back in, i'm so not over this whole issue. but i gotta stay strong in the face of adversity and friends.

it's sad that we have to feel sad ya knw? i'm talking 'bout it in a generic kinda way. there's just alot more that can be achieved when we are such content n happy beings. when we're in state of happiness, we say and do productive stuff. forward looking we become when we are jovial. gone are our wrinkles when we jest. we talk about the future and discuss moments in an astute manner that makes for conversations.

no revisiting of baggage from yesteryears, no tearing, no silent moments, no unproductive conversations. but most importantly, no steps backward.

happy birthday kak daya!

sometimes it's so easy to forget that the simple things in life are meant to be kept simple. we complicate things so much that we harp on the minute details and forget the overarching objective, which begs to be revisited.

it's probably one of the reasons why stuff, like religion, start to complicate and deviate; branches form; sects arise; muslims against muslims; christians against christians, and so on.

the call for unity in diversity may be the clarion call for the world's problems.. but differences are meant to be around. For God mentioned that we were divided into different tribes and such for the purpose that we mix and mingle.


differences aside, humanity first.